Sarah Sloane – Where and When

A record of ramblings and meanderings

10 Things To Remember About Real Life Sex & Kink

Posted by sarahsloane on June 8, 2009

1. Jealousy & envy in open relationships – it’s a lot easier to manage worrying about what your other partner(s) are doing if you’re getting a little sum’in sum’in elsewhere, too.

2. Negotiation – if you can’t go back to a cash register to have an overcharged item corrected & get the refund, you shouldn’t be negotiating play or sex, either.

3. Partners – the harder you look for a partner who is nothing like the last one, the more guaranteed you are to find your ex’s doppleganger.

4. Distance – making a hard rule against long distance relationships means that you meet really amazing people that you’d love to see more frequently – and they all live at least 300 miles away.

5. Toy Bags – the umbrella rule applies – if you take it, you’ll either not need it at all or you’ll only use one or two things out of it; if you leave it at home, you’ll get a fantastic, one time only offer that will require every toy you own.

6. Reputation – you can be a stellar presenter, staffer, event attendee, or dungeon monitor, and people will know you by name. You do something embarassing, and you’ll be forever known as “that dude that got drunk and puked on Domina Whoziwhatsis”.

7. The Law of Attraction – The more you have, the more you get offered. This is because when you’re busy and excited and happy with yourself, you put out an energy that says “come closer!”. Conversely, the more you walk around wanting, the less you’ll find.

8. Assumptions – the hot person you’re looking at, that is wearing a collar? Chances are they can beat you up quite nicely  if they’re so motivated. And the vaguely prudish person? They’re probably a hellion in bed. And the person you can’t get up the nerve to talk to? They might actually be feeling a little lonely, and would appreciate it.

9. Flexibility – it’s never a bad idea to extend your skills and interests if you want to meet awesome people; the more different things you can talk about (or do), the more likely you are to find someone that you’d like to spend time with.

10. Real life – everyone has one, even the pierced, tattooed person in the corner at the party wearing a dog collar and drinking soda out of a gerbil bottle. Never forget that no human being is one dimensional, regardless of how they present themselves.

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HIV? Yep, still deadly.

Posted by sarahsloane on May 22, 2009

Just a quick ranty post before I hit the road to Chicago.

Let’s have a little reality check time. All you folks that think HIV is a totally treatable (if permanent) disease? Wrong. Think that HIV doesn’t actually kill people in the US or Europe anymore? Double Wrong.

Why mention it now? Because earlier this week, an amazing man who I had the honor of knowing and learning from passed away from aids. And because I’ve heard so many people who don’t think HIV is an issue anymore, so they don’t worry too much about it. Let me take a moment and tell you what an issue it is, ‘k? Then maybe the next time you hook up with someone and they don’t offer to use protection, you’ll insist on it or walk away…because your life is way too precious to lose to this preventable disease.

In 2007, there were over 2 Million people in North America & Central Europe who where living with aids. 81,000 new diagnoses were made. And 31,000 people died from the disease.* That’s men, women, and children. Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, queer, cisgendered, transgendered, Asian, Black, White, Hispanic, Multiracial. Not to mention skinny, fat, sexy, shy, urban, rural, cultured, untutored, and every other variety of human being you can imagine. In fact, it might surprise you to know that women account for 50% of worldwide aids cases, and people under 25 account for 50% as well.

aids takes life down in a slow, frustrating, and painful way. People succumb to cancers, pneumonias, and other illnesses that tear apart their compromised immune systems. In order to have any quality of life, they take thousands of dollars of medication per month to manage their body & to improve their health (if they’re lucky enough to be able to afford it or have access to charities that can get them these vitally needed medications).

I am glad that the gentleman I mentioned was able to leave this world in the comfort of a familiar place, gently, with his husband next to him. I ache deeply for the pain that his family and friends are experiencing. And more than anything else, I wish that we could stop having people pretend that it’s not such a big deal anymore. It is. I’m sure there are 31000 people that fought it last year that could tell you that – except they aren’t hear to say it anymore.

*These numbers are for North America & Central Europe only – worldwide deaths from HIV infections in 2007 were the immense sum of 2 million.  More statistics, from UNAIDS/WHO, can be found here.

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Weddings, Travel, and Conversations…

Posted by sarahsloane on May 19, 2009

Last week, Theresa Reed (aka Darklady) interviewed me for her radio show, Darkladys Sexpose, on Radio Dentata; the show airs on Wednesday, May 20, at 11 PM EST / 8 PM PST. I confess that I’m nervous about listening to it; I have never liked the sound of my own voice (really, people!).  I did a radio show with Rebeccas Deos a couple of months ago, and still haven’t listened to it, either. I figure eventually I need to, if only to keep me from doing something truly cringe-worthy in the future.

Huge love and congratulations to my knitterly friends Ann and Sadelle, who married themselves in a Quaker service this past weekend.  The day was beautiful, the brides were glowing and smiling and teary-eyed (just as they should be!), and the love of the witnesses was palpable. I aspire to love and be loved the way that they do. Thank you both for showing everyone in attendance the joy and delight you take in each other.

This weekend I fly out to Chicago for a drive-by visit to International Mr Leather weekend and to participate in and present at Shibaricon. I hate to say that I’m not yet jazzed up for it, but it’s true – through no fault of Shibaricon, IML, or Chicago as a whole (I still love you, Windy City!). I’ve been on the move way too much lately, with too little downtime; I tend to test my own boundaries and limits pretty regularly and once again, I’m being reminded to back off & take time for myself. I am going to enjoy Chicago, though; I’m making tentative plans with friends, I rented a car, and I’m going to be staying in different parts of the city each night, by the looks of things. Once I get back, I’m treated to three weeks at home before I head out again, this time to Wisconsin for Spank Festival!

Next week, I’ll be publishing the second article in my Economics of Education series – this time, from the attendee’s perspective. I am pleased by the diversity of comments (through email & twitter) on the first article; thank you all for letting me know your thoughts on it. A few weeks after that, I’ll have the third and last installment ready for you, which looks at kink education through the eyes of the event organizers & promoters. If you have anything you’d like me to be mindful of when finishing up those two pieces, drop me a note and let me know.

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A big weekend

Posted by sarahsloane on May 10, 2009

Sarah Sloane, Barbara Carrellas, and Anita Wagner

Sarah Sloane, Barbara Carrellas, and Anita Wagner

So, above, you can see me at lunch with two of the amazing people that I caught up with at Sex2.0 here in DC yesterday. Barbara Carrellas has been an amazing friend and influence on my growth as an educator, and she’s got so many more amazing projects on the fire for this year & into ‘10. Anita Wagner has been an educator and activist in the poly community for years in the Mid-Atlantic region and throughout the country; she’s got a wealth of personal experience as well as a tremendous group of family & friends, which gives her teaching and writing a depth and breadth that not many people achieve. The photo was taken by Cunning Minx, of the Polyamory Weekly podcast, who is a shining mind of creativity and joy – not to mention a sexy woman with an amazing capacity to delve into the depths of any subject she wants to work with. Needless to say, I felt like a baby having lunch with these amazing women – they all have qualities that I aspire to in my own life and work.

And amazingly enough, Sex 2.0 gave me a lot more things to aspire to. I didn’t attend that many of the workshops, but I got a lot of ideas. One that I hope will come to fruition soon is something that I’m currently calling a Chatcast. I get to go to a lot of events and new parts of the country, and while I’m there I get to hang around with people who have amazing stories and ideas. I’ve always wished I had a way to share those conversation with others, yet I don’t want to commit to a “scheduled” podcast, especially if I have to do a lot of work to get it out. After going to yesterdays podcast workshop, it occurred to me that I could just get a few people together, give them a topic, listen to them talk about it for a half-hour or so, do a tiny bit of editing, then put it up on my website for any readers who are interested to download & listen to in their spare time. So…I hope to be starting that project fairly soon!

In the other big news of the day – May 10 (the day that I’m writing this) is my 19th sobriety anniversary. I don’t often talk about my recovery online or in person, but my growth into the woman that I am today really started that moment 19 years ago when I realized that I was losing my sanity, my health, and my life to my addiction. Every day since then has been a gift of growth, whether it’s been painful or blissful, and after all these years I am amazed at how my life has become so much richer and more whole than I could have ever imagined it to be. The moral of the story is? I was about to try yet again to end my life when I decided to make that one change – to try to not drink for one day – and I found out that what my sponsor used to tell me was true: “don’t quit five minutes before the miracle”.

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The Economics of Education – The Educator’s Side

Posted by sarahsloane on April 27, 2009

(this will be followed up by two additional posts – one on the attendee’s side, and one on the event / group’s side)

The average presenter pays money out of their own pocket in order to teach.  In fact, almost every presenter pays money in order to teach – there are only a very few that make enough money from the classes that they schedule to cover their cost.

The basic economics:
On average, presenters are offered compensation ranging from free entry for a single class up to registration compensation for a weekend event.  Occasionally, a group is able to offer assistance with transportation and hotel rooms.  Some groups offer a flat fee or percentage of the total income to the presenter as payment.  Rarely, if ever, is someone compensated for the time that they will be taking off of work, for home expenses (dog / cat / baby sitters, etc.), for the majority of their food, or expenses for their assistant / partner / traveling companion, unless the companion is also presenting or volunteering at the group or event.

Even as much as this sounds, this leaves a financial gap which many presenters are happy to fill.  For an average hotel event, eating two meals per day in the hotel runs over $30 per day, excluding water, snacks, coffee (a must!).  Parking, especially in major metro areas, can run $8-$30 per day.  Cab rides to cheaper restaurants add a few bucks in.

Compensation for presenters, regardless, always falls a little short of what the actual expenses are.  This isn’t  big issue except for two things:  first, presenters who teach more than a couple of times per year and/or are limited in their income will carry a heavier burden because of this, and second, there is a prevailing attitude in some areas that a presenter who asks for more assistance is being greedy.

Most of us understand that money is a finite resource, and even the most financially solvent groups (Black Rose, for example) run their education programs in the red.  There has been bickering back and forth with some nationally known names on both sides of the fence tossing their $.02 into the discussion.  However, in my mind, the real issue is respect.  Both the presenters, and the groups, want to feel that they are being heard and respected.  Nobody wants to feel less valued, or that they’re being taken advantage of – regardless of the side of the fence they’re on.

So, how can we create a more win-win situation?

First, start thinking in terms of fairness.  Is it fair to ask someone to present three to four classes at an event without offering them a place to spend the night?  Is it fair to ask a small group of maybe 30 members to cover an airline ticket?  Is it fair to treat a local presenter who is giving the same amount of work as an out of town presenter differently, because they shouldn’t need as much compensation?  Figure out what it’s worth, in dollars and in energy, before you make your desires known.

Second, start thinking creatively.  All compensation does not need to be financial.  Helping presenters find roomshare options or rides to and from the event can cut their costs down considerably.  Asking the event to arrange for a fridge in the hotel room can make food expenses drop drastically (as well as helping us to eat healthier over the course of the weekend).  A small area in a staff or presenters lounge area stocked with bread, sliced meats & cheeses, and salad fixings costs a minimal amount of money but can keep the presenters taken care of.

Third, say thank you.  This is one that I’m personally guilty of not being good on, but I have noticed how much more pleasure both presenters and event organizers / staff feel about their experience if someone says a sincere “thank you”.  At a recent event that I staffed, I gave each presenter a small moleskine-like journal and pen as a thank you gift, and I got so many lovely comments from the recipients (and by shopping creatively, I was able to purchase them at an art supply store for far less than the full-priced name branded versions).  At that same event, I received a thank you note and gift card from the organizers to thank me for my hard work.  The exchange of appreciation hopefully left the presenters feeling appreciated and welcomed, and I know I got a very happy vibe after receiving the thank you note!

Fourth, communicate clearly.  There is no harm and no foul in saying “I’m sorry, I can’t do that”.  I’ve never heard a presenter trash an event’s reputation because the event was unable to make it possible for the presenter to attend.  I have, however, heard many presenters get upset after agreeing to present somewhere to have additional requirements (financial or time) tacked on after the fact.  The reality is that once an educator has agreed to present, and put the info up that they’ll be attending, they’re very hesitant to back out if necessary.  Get all the info up front – in fact, a contract isn’t a bad thing to do, even though many of us think it’s a bit cold & calculated.  In this case, clear communication can prevent misunderstandings, frustration, and the damaging of reputations.

Finally, cross promote.  Many groups & events find that by coordinating with other local or regional groups, they can afford to host presenters that might not otherwise be able to attend.  For instance, I’m occasionally able to do a “tour” through a few different cities, which often reduces my overall expenses and almost always helps drum up more support for the events themselves.  It’s important in these situations that the groups & the presenter are clear about what expenses are being covered, but they can definitely make for a great experience on all sides of the event – producer, attendee, and presenter.

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Screw the tax man…

Posted by sarahsloane on April 17, 2009

This week has been pretty busy.  I taught “Press Here For More Options” at Good Vibrations in Brookline, MA to a really engaging bunch of people who were curious about (and in some cases, experts in) G-spot play.  GV is a great shop, and their staff is educated, helpful, and totally affirming – so it’s a real pleasure to teach there.  I’m currently getting ready to head to Philadelphia for NDDS’s Boot Camp II tomorrow, and then back home for a few days until I leave for Fort Lauderdale on Thursday (oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve finally found you…).  This spring is definitely my “busy season”, and my brain isn’t keeping up anymore!

There’s been a lot of talk this week about sex addiction, both on Twitter and in a number of online articles.  Satine Phoenix’s comments on Twitter inspired me – she brought up that the concept of being passionate about sex and being addicted to sex are two different things.  I am definitely passionate about sex, and about the intimacy that results from it…but I know enough about addictions to know that the dividing line is when sex starts having a negative impact on one’s life, either physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or financially.  If you can’t feel good about yourself, can’t pay your bills, can’t get to work on time, can’t have honest relationships…maybe it’s time to look at it.  However, don’t tar all of us sex-positive people with the same brush…the great majority of us have healthy, happy, busy, balanced sex lives – they just don’t necessarily look like the rest of society’s!

(Then again, I just realized that it’s a Friday night after 8 PM, and my plans are to watch a little TV, then go to bed early…so I’m obviously not the person with the crazysexycool sex life. Can someone call me when it’s my turn to have it?)

Last note for today – this week my article “Catching Cancer Off The Toilet Seat” went live on EdenFantasys.com.  So far, I’ve gotten a few great comments on it, and I’m really pleased to have a chance to talk about the current body of knowledge about HPV, as well as break down a few myths.  I hope you enjoy it!

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Lack of updates makes Sarah a dull woman

Posted by sarahsloane on April 7, 2009

So, since I totally suck these days at keeping everyone updated, I’m going to attempt to do at least a quick bullet point list here, okay?

This past week, I…

  • Received my copy of Lee Harrington’s “Rope, Bondage, and Power”, which I have a chapter on rope and vulnerability in.  There are some amazing authors in this book, including my friends Janice Stein, Lee (of course!), Lqqkout, Graydancer, as well as luminaries such as Maria Shadoes, Madison Young, Van Darkholme, JD from Two Knotty Boys, and others.
  • Started to schedule an interview on a Canadian podcast in preparation for the TEASE event in July
  • Confirmed that I will be teaching for TESFest this July (the weekend before I go to Canada!)
  • Posted a new article, Five Ways to Ruin Your Sex Life Through Communication, at SexIs Magazine
  • Did my laundry, finally unpacked after IMsL, and am making progress on knitting the camo-colored socks!
  • Confirmed the date for the upcoming bootblack skill share that I’m working on coordinating (it’s October 17!)

Next week, I will:

  • Teach my G Spot class at Good Vibrations in Boston, MA on Tuesday, April 14
  • Teach at NDDS BootCamp in Philadelphia, PA on Saturday, April 18
  • Spend time with friends & clients in the Boston & NY areas
  • Put lots of miles on my truck

Later this month, I will:

  • Teach at Beyond Leather in Fort Lauderdale, FL
  • Teach at FSG Beltane in Darlington, MD

I didn’t really get a chance to post after IMsL, but I’m honored to have been selected as the first runner up in this year’s contest.  The winner, Lamalani from Seattle, WA, is an amazing woman, and the leather community is fortunate to have her as a spokeswoman this coming year.  I’m also especially proud of my friend Pony, who won IMsBB 2009!  I’ve known her for a number of years and she’s grown and changed so much…I’m so excited for this opportunity for her, and I think she will be a great role model for female bootblacks out there – especially those who are girly girls, like her!

Lastly…you can find me on Facebook now, as well as Twitter and FetLife…so it should be easy to keep tabs on my whereabouts.  Have a great week, everyone!

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Overwhelmed with Gratitude

Posted by sarahsloane on January 25, 2009

I am a very lucky, very grateful woman this morning.  Last night was the first Fundraiser for my IMsL run; I am trying to raise enough money to allow me to travel to & compete in San Francisco in March, and my local DC club, The Crucible, graciously offered to host my first one.

It was an amazing night.  There were well over one hundred people at the club for the monthly Black Rose member’s night, and I got to meet a lot of new people as well as catching up with my local friends and acquaintances.   We did a 50/50 raffle that involved lots of folks getting fondled by some of my hottest friends.  We had a bake sale that would put the Band Boosters to shame.  We had a wonderful bootblack taking care of people’s leathers and giving a LOT of very happy smiles.  We also had a number of people who stopped by, asked some great questions about IMsL and why I was running, and gave me lots of “good luck” hugs.

Once it was all over, I almost cried.  The 50/50 fundraiser, alone, raised a total of $243 (the other half went to our raffle winner who was actually having a play scene when the number was called!).  The bake sale, bootblacking, and individual donations (including one of my helpers giving a lap dance…yum) raised another $417.  So – my first fundraiser started off my travel fund with $660 – an amount that I could never have anticipated, even if I’d tried!

I want to say thank you – to everyone who chatted with me, wished me luck, bought a goodie, had their leathers done, and contributed to the raffle.  Your support is truly humbling for me.  I also want to say thank you specifically to the people who donated their time, energy, and baked goods to make last night possible:  Anne, Brian, Cita, E, Julie, Karen, Kevin, Laura, Leah, Rivka, Rosie, Ryan, Stephen, and Tom.  Finally, I want to send a big thank you out to Frazier and the staff & volunteers at The Crucible – your support and help last night were amazing, and I’m grateful to you for making a space for me on the calendar.

Most people who compete for a regional or national leather title are local title holders, and have the backing and support of the title sponsor.  Since I decided to run for IMsL directly, I was aware that I would be doing the fundraising and publicizing on my own, and was worried that I wouldn’t be successful with it.  Last night taught me, once again, that we don’t do anything alone – we have a community of friends and supporters that will step in and give of their time, energy, and good wishes to help us to do the things we believe will be beneficial to the greater community.  I am honored to be able to represent OUR community at IMsL this coming March.

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I’m on a mission…

Posted by sarahsloane on December 31, 2008

I’m a big believer in using mission statements to act as reminders of my guiding principles…so instead of new year’s resolutions for 2009, I’m doing a 2009 Expanded Mission Statement. Here’s mine:

My life revolves around a few certainties – work that I enjoy and believe adds value to the world at large, friends and partners that I love and trust, and service to the community at large in ways that bring people into a stronger, clearer understanding and love of themselves and each other. In order to have those things, I must invest my time judiciously on all of those areas of my life, not forgetting that investing time in my own internal work and my health & safety is the key to the fulfillment of my calling.

What does all that mean? It means that when I’m presented with an opportunity to do something, I will evaluate it against that statement – does it serve the world at large, or does it take away time that could be going towards that service? Will it allow me to maintain the relationships that I have with my friends and loved ones, or will it take time away from them? Will it prevent me from taking care of myself – whether that’s eating properly, getting adequate sleep, exercising, having my personal time, or even things like journaling and meditation that keep me centered? These are the areas of my life that are really important – and finding a balance between them all is absolutely integral to me walking my continuing path into the rest of my life.

I wish you all a joyful 2009, and I hope that, regardless of whether you set goals, make resolutions, or ignore the whole thing together, the coming year is one of positive growth and expanded love and joy for each and every one of you.

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First IMsL Fundraiser Scheduled!

Posted by sarahsloane on December 9, 2008

The following is the writeup for my first fundraiser, scheduled to be held at The Crucible in Washington, DC, on January 24th, 2009.

The 2009 International Ms Leather competition has a Washington DC local leatherwoman running for the title this year – Sarah Sloane, a regular presenter and attendee at both Black Rose and Crucible gatherings.  Sarah has been active in the BDSM / Leather communities for over ten years as a group member, mentor, volunteer, board member, educator, and activist; in 2008 she presented over 60 workshops to various groups and events around the country and overseas, and she also writes articles on sexuality and BDSM for various websites.  She hopes that as a representative of the women’s leather community, she can highlight the importance of a strong focus on education both individually and at events/organizations, and she would like to work towards promoting individual diversity within the community as the core means of community strength and growth.

In order to compete, Sarah needs our help.  There is no “travel fund” for people competing, so she is responsible for her own financial support.  She will be having a few fundraising activities at the club on BR Member’s Night, including a 50/50 raffle, bootblacks to take care of your leathers, and other fun ways to donate (and get a little something as a thank you!).  Please come out & support her, bring a few extra dollars to contribute to the cause, and have a fantastic night of social and play time!

Please let me know if you’d like to help, either with this fundraiser or any other fundraising for my title run.  You can email me directly at fortryll (at) gmail (dot) com, or leave a comment here!

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